How to Connect

Hey there 👋🏻

A few of my colleagues and I just published an article on how to have a difficult conversation. It’s a topic I wish I’d known more about back in school and training, so definitely check it out here.

Speaking of difficult conversations, let’s put pain aside for a moment and ask yourself:

What do you consider to be a difficult conversation?

Maybe it’s telling a teammate to meet a certain expectation in their work.

Maybe it’s asking your significant other to spend more time together.

Maybe it’s debating with your sibling about whether sending mom to a nursing home is the right decision.

If you’re feeling cringy, hesitant, or fearful of saying the wrong thing, well then, that’s probably a difficult conversation.

I still feel those emotions when I engage in emotionally charged discussions with patients. But that doesn’t mean I withdraw. So how do I navigate the emotions and still connect?

Here’s the trick: asking better questions always leads to better connection. Let me show you how big of a difference it can make with a couple of examples.

Example 1. Patient who looks tired and needed several breakthrough opioid doses overnight.

Simple question: “How was your sleep last night?”

Question that connects: “You look tired today, and I saw you had some breakthrough opioids. What happened last night?”

Example 2. Patient who looks confused after a lengthy explanation.

Simple question: “Do you have any questions for me?”

Question that connects: “I sense apprehension. Where did I lose you?”

See the difference? A question that connects isn’t just a question, it’s a way to show you’re really paying attention.

How to ask questions that connect

If you look at how I structure them, it usually starts with labeling an observation, then asking the question to invite the person to share what’s going on.

I first learned this “label the emotion” technique from my favorite book, Never Split the Difference. Labeling emotions can be tricky at first, but labeling what you observe is much easier.

Here are a few ways you can start gathering observations:

1. Pay attention to body language, like a furrowed brow, raised eyebrows, or finger tapping.

2. Check the chart. Did nursing note agitation overnight? Are opioid use and pain scores trending up?

3. Ask your colleagues. If you’re not great at noticing body language or catching details from the chart, check in with two or three colleagues and see what they think. Averaging more than one opinion can give you a clearer clue about what’s going on.

Why does labeling help with connection if you wonder? The answer may be simpler than you think.

We care about people who care enough to pay attention to us.

See you next time.

SP